Saturday, January 17, 2009

i'm fat, i'm fat, you know it

oh weird al in a fat suit.

idk about all of the other weight loss bloggers out there, but i'm guessing lots of us have a similar warped self-image problem. well, i definitely do.

last week when i was out to eat for my friend's bday, a few of my girl friends commented on my weight loss. i'm glad people notice, but i'm also not really thrilled to have people notice... does that make sense? i'm glad that i'm starting to look different, but i'm ashamed that it's now evident that i was soo fat. it's like i had a warped self-image that is was ok to be that fat and now i can't see myself as any different. i guess it was obvious to everyone else that i was fat, but i had come to terms with it a long time ago and didn't dwell over it all the time.

i think starting in about 2nd grade i was one of the 3 chubby girls at school. (i went to a smallish school less than 100 in the class most of the time) i remember getting fitted for my junior bride dress for my aunt's wedding and my grandma (not the one i see every week) said that i was too chubby... i cried. but i accepted it and i never really tried anything to change that til now. i have never "dieted" before, so i didn't ever have to fail before. (one of the reasons i'm still watching dietribe on lifetime, lol, one of the girls said that and it hit home hard) i'm glad i chose something that i don't see as a diet, but a change in my lifestyle.

i'm a stereotypical smart and funny fat girl, and i don't know if my mind will ever catch up with my body. i am not close to where i want to be (195 is my first goal, not sure what the next one will be), so i have time to figure this out. i'm just realizing this because i have lost almost 50 pounds and unless i see myself in the mirror i feel like and see myself as the same person i was last summer. so i have some thinkin' to do.


  1. I know what you mean ... I never saw myself to be as fat as other people saw me. I remember one little scared memory of my concerned mom talking about one of my other fatter than me relatives and suggesting that I was headed that way. I swore to her that I would never allow myself to get that big. A few months later my mom reminded me of that promise in a tone that said I'd broken it. "I'm NOT as fat as that" I scolded in honest denial. "Oh really? Yes you are." she said. That hurt terribly, and yet it was true. I didn't see myself as anywhere near that big, but I was.

    It hurt, but I'm not that big now. That's the important thing. I woke up from the delusion and did something about it. You are too! You are doing amazing.

  2. I think you are right in your revelation. Self image is a very hard thing to try and deal with, and even sometimes still looking in the mirror, I don't notice how far I've come.

    I was also always the bigger girl, even though I was competitive in sports, I was always the 'thick' one. When people notice my weight loss, I instantly panic and have to stutter something out, either denial (I hadn't even noticed, or no, it's just a new top) or I admit it, which makes me feel shameful.

    A couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine and I went to a party with some guys that we hadn't seen in a while. While talking to one of them, they mentioned how my good friend looked like she had 'gotten fat'. By no means is she fat. She's 5'5 and maybe weighs 130. Things like that make you wonder what that person thinks about you.

    I think defeating this negative thinking is one of the biggest issues of getting 'healthy' mentally and physically.

    You can do it, I can do it. It's a journey, and this is just part of it, but it is what makes the journey what it is, so we must appreciate it.

    Keep on truckin'

  3. I've lost just over 50 lbs and I don't see a difference. I still see the same fat body.
    People can see it and tell me though so I guess it's true.
    It may come in time...I hope...that I see a smaller me and believe it.
    Please try not to feel ashamed of where you were. You aren't there anymore so what's the use of making yourself feel bad...none.
    You are definitely making progress. Just look at the difference in your appearance in your before and after shots. Amazing!
    Be very proud of!

  4. Thanks for sharing that :) I know a lot of people have felt that way and its so hard to look in the mirror and even get a glimpse of reality when your brain/eyes are always playing tricks.

    I can still remember way back when I got down in the low low 100's. I tried on a size 2. A SIZE 2! and it fit. it was actually a bit big. And when I looked in the mirror, even though the proof was hanging off of my non-existent behind, I still saw 150 pound, 5'-1/2" brandi...