Saturday, June 5, 2010

mistaken identity

this post is going to be one giant juxtaposition...positive and negative thoughts are gonna intermingle, but i guess that's how everyone thinks so it shouldn't be too surprising.

mistaken identity. it happens to everyone. you go to a new place, meet new people and are mistaken for someone else. for me, for the majority of my life it was something i dreaded. i dreaded being called out for anything related to how i look. i'd prefer to go unnoticed and sit in the background like any self-unaware remaining unnoticed i could avoid recognizing how i looked and ignore any feelings i had about my appearance.

these occasional instances of being confused with someone else were a call out. a forced recognition of how someone else saw me...and it was always a depressing experience. i would be forced to see how other people saw me. forced to look at my "likeness". as an obese person, i would be confused with other obese women, brunettes of similar height. it was like a shot to the gut, but to preserve my fragile self confidence i would immediately think to myself "this person is a loon, i look nothing like her!" but of course i did, i mean it's not like we looked related, but to a new acquaintance hair color, height and weight are key identifiers. i've done it myself, not always with overweight people of course, but for instance confusing one short blonde for another.

two weeks ago i experienced the mistaken identity again...but this time was different. this time, like most other times i had the same reaction "you're crazy, i look nothing like her!". in that sense it was similar, but in this case it was because the other person is drop. dead. gorgeous. seriously pretty...and i'm more of a prettiest girl on the street, depending on the street...fotc reference, lol. in fact, i still don't really see myself as pretty, but that's a whole nother story. anyways, it was strange and made me think back on those other times...and all the changes i've made in my life since then. i stand firm that i look nothing like this gorgeous girl in my sailing class, but it sure was nice to have some crazy old lady think i look slightly like her, enough to confuse us for a minute.

i'm not really sure where i meant to go with this post, but i think self awareness, no matter where you are in your life/journey/struggles/successes, is absolutely necessary. one step, one day, one experience at a time...every single one helps me find a little more of who i am and who i aspire to be.