i felt pretty

it was a fleeting feeling, but gosh darn it...i will take what i can get.

accepting how others view me positively instead of questioning their sanity is HUGE for me. "oh, i'm charming, funny, cute and pretty? if you say so!" i think everyone has a hard time accepting compliments... but after weight loss it's like those normal insecurities are magnified by your own disbelief. if you don't see your new self, you can't comprehend how others see you.

in the last two weeks i have gone out several times and felt like a normal girl, dolled up and having a good time out on the town. a girl people want to dance with, talk to and have fun with. looking back i think of it as strange (baby steps people), but in the midst of it...i felt comfortable. i felt confident and that is something to shake a stick at. i wish i could take that confidence and bottle it up.

on the exercise front, kettlebell is kicking ass! (including mine, lol) i currently have serious forearm bruises that indicate some very poor form, woops! i researched online and realized i need to "tame my arc" as in most things, form is key. i'm really digging the kettlebell. it's challenging and makes me feel strong. good stuff.

hahaha, i just ordered a swimsuit online...who does that? it's like ordering a bra online (for any men reading this, one should never assume a bra will fit based on the size it claims to be) but the suit is super duper adorable. RED. vintage style. not as esther williams as i hoped, but close enough. ordering online is risky business, but i tried the same style on in the store and just needed the next size down...here's hoping! i'm going out of town next weekend and really want to spend time in the hotel pool. a new swimsuit was necessary as my old one came down with a bad case of saggy bum syndrome.

walk like a cowgirl

hey party people. it's me. yeah, i'm still here. :)

let's see...what were the bullet points for june 2010...

-i was accepted into grad school! i spoke with my advisor last week and enrolled in class a few days ago...i am terribly excited. yesterday i contacted a local nonprofit to see if my volunteer services could be used (only for a few hours since i will be busy with work/school/work as well). i am going with the flow and seeing what works...if i need to drop something it will most likely be the part-time job, but for now i think it will be a great place to get some reading done. i am one of those that likes to study outside of my living space. i'm feeling pretty fantastic about that area of my life. it will be stressful, challenging, exciting and thoroughly enjoyable...i can't wait :)

-i purchased a kettlebell (actually 2, but one sucks and will be returned) and started using said kettlebell. it's fantastic. it's a russian weight that is used for strength training, but the work outs are fantastic cardio too. you are basically throwing around a weight with a handle. it works your whole body. i was sooo sore the first few days, i should have been wearing stirrups and chaps. my co-worker even asked me why i was groaning, lol. after just a week i feel stronger, but also challenged...i am extremely fond of a challenge.

-i am maintaining. some days i'm okay with that, other days it infuriates me! today i am in between those two, not happy but also not livid. i am working out and eating right...the amounts/timing of eating are still being worked on. most importantly i'm addressing the emotional issues surrounding those struggles. it's effing hard to understand yourself sometimes. losing the weight was quick, i mean not too quick...just standard healthy losses, but the mind is a fickle thing.

-i am enjoying the summer immensely. after losing the weight, my body temperature totally changed. i used to be hot all the time, but now i am comfortable in sunny warm/hot weather and i like it. winter in wisconsin is more of a struggle, but summer is brilliant! :) i work a lot, but i have been spending time with my siblings and my friends in madison. i now have a few friends in the area from choir, but with so little free time...new friends are just so much work! they are good people though and i think i'll be going to a poker fundraiser to see them next week. it will be easier to make plans during the school year when i see them every week. for now i'm feeling good and preparing for the immense amount of work grad school will add to my plate.

happy fourth of july! i'm working, but don't be sad for me...they are paying me double time and all of the parades/celebrations are tomorrow :)

mistaken identity

this post is going to be one giant juxtaposition...positive and negative thoughts are gonna intermingle, but i guess that's how everyone thinks so it shouldn't be too surprising.

mistaken identity. it happens to everyone. you go to a new place, meet new people and are mistaken for someone else. for me, for the majority of my life it was something i dreaded. i dreaded being called out for anything related to how i look. i'd prefer to go unnoticed and sit in the background like any self-unaware individual...by remaining unnoticed i could avoid recognizing how i looked and ignore any feelings i had about my appearance.

these occasional instances of being confused with someone else were a call out. a forced recognition of how someone else saw me...and it was always a depressing experience. i would be forced to see how other people saw me. forced to look at my "likeness". as an obese person, i would be confused with other obese women, brunettes of similar height. it was like a shot to the gut, but to preserve my fragile self confidence i would immediately think to myself "this person is a loon, i look nothing like her!" but of course i did, i mean it's not like we looked related, but to a new acquaintance hair color, height and weight are key identifiers. i've done it myself, not always with overweight people of course, but for instance confusing one short blonde for another.

two weeks ago i experienced the mistaken identity again...but this time was different. this time, like most other times i had the same reaction "you're crazy, i look nothing like her!". in that sense it was similar, but in this case it was because the other person is drop. dead. gorgeous. seriously pretty...and i'm more of a prettiest girl on the street, depending on the street...fotc reference, lol. in fact, i still don't really see myself as pretty, but that's a whole nother story. anyways, it was strange and made me think back on those other times...and all the changes i've made in my life since then. i stand firm that i look nothing like this gorgeous girl in my sailing class, but it sure was nice to have some crazy old lady think i look slightly like her, enough to confuse us for a minute.

i'm not really sure where i meant to go with this post, but i think self awareness, no matter where you are in your life/journey/struggles/successes, is absolutely necessary. one step, one day, one experience at a time...every single one helps me find a little more of who i am and who i aspire to be.

my first quarter marathon

it was exciting, exhilarating, nausea inducing, hot, fun, tiring, sweaty, happy, sunny, exhausting, thrilling and an all around great experience!

sunday may 30, 2010 i completed the madison quarter marathon. saturday morning i went to the madison running expo to pick up my racing packet... the expo center was conveniently located right next to the world's largest brat fest (i attend every year, obviously). a friend's band was playing that afternoon, so i got my timing chip/shirt/bib number then took a short walk to enjoy a few brats and some fabulous music. walking into the running expo, i felt like a total outsider. i'm still the non-runner runner. i'm not sure when i'll feel like a runner, but time will tell i guess :)

saturday night i went out with friends to celebrate a birthday, but left early to make sure i got enough zs for the run. i was so nervous in general, i barely got 5 hours of sleep. adjustments will be made next time. i felt fine the whole run, but i know my body would have appreciated more sleep. i, of course, forgot my running shirt in the dryer at home, so i went out and purchased a brand new one from good ol' target saturday night.

i arrived at the race starting line very early, but it was cool to see the full marathoners start. i view them as crazy people...so i guess that means i'm a quarter crazy? lol. they have mega-dedication (considering the weather that day, holy lord they do... details later). it was weird to have so many people in running gear EVERYWHERE. the starting and finish lines were on the capital square, pretty awesome i must say...our capital building is the bees knees.

i had no idea what time it was, but i was in the right spot. unfortunately, i failed to find the porta potty zone pre-race...i was one of the few, the proud, the mid-race porta potty users. as soon as we started, before i even crossed the starting line plane, i knew i would be stopping for a pit stop at some point. i made it to the 2 mile marker and made a bee line for the nearest porta potty (that's 2 bee references so far, yeah you read them). i felt much better after that minus the humid hot hot hot scorchingly sunny day.

i felt pretty good the whole run, but the last .5 mile or so was up an incline and definitely caused a little "oh dear i might puke" moments. the weather definitely had to do with that, the temperature was 80 degrees by the time i crossed the finish line (it got to 90 before the marathoners were done). between miles 4 and 5 there were no water stops, that was pretty rough too and there seemed to be less shade available. the whole run was about 10-15 degrees above what i normally run in, hotness to the max.

my timing chip reports a finish time of 1:12:38 and i am thrilled. i'm thinking the porta potty stop didn't really change my time too much, i'm guessing i would have slowed down for a bit without that pause in the run. that total is just over 11 minute mile pace, and my only goal was to do 12 or less... mission accomplished!

i got my quarter marathon finisher metal, a couple cheese sticks and a water. i was the very essence of a hot, sweaty mess and darn proud of it. :)

i'm sailing away

i joined a sailing class! we have one more in classroom session and then we are off to the boats. i missed the first class, but it's been fun so far. i am most definitely the youngest person in the class, but old people can be fun :) my current goal is to friend a boat owner!

last saturday i decided to take my first jab at 10k, and i did it! 1 hour 13 minutes, slow pace, but i never stopped and felt quite fantastic after. i'm thinking i will easily beat that time in a week and a half at the madison marathon version. i didn't realize til after i had done it that it was the 15th! 1 year 7 months and counting :)

i then proceeded to drive to madison and have a raucous night with my college girl friends. it was lovely and hilarious. there were bicycle rickshaws and good times all around.

i'm feeling terribly blah today, one of those... daydreaming about napping instead of exercising days. my bed is just too comfy!

sleepy head

i went later than normal to exercise last night at the y and holy toledo! there was a convention of attractive men... i may need to re-think my work out schedule, lol. i have noticed when i'm running or working out next to someone who is pushing themselves... i tend to as well. really it can be a man or woman, no difference. in fact i usually feel more challenged by the strong women in the gym. they are serious.

i slept through my "wake up now to run alarm", but the extra sleep was needed and quite enjoyable. i will either fit the run in somewhere this evening or go tomorrow mornin' instead. either way it'll get done! i may just take the pups for an extra long walk. they are always down for a walk, and it's also an excellent cure for the ever classic stare-at-the-computer-all-day work induced coma.

taking a breather

i took an unplanned break from exercise this week. it was definitely needed, but it still caused me some internal distress. i needed to step back and reassess my food/exercise balance. after amping up my exercise routine with weights, i didn't really change my food intake and my body was like "hell no!"... leading to overeating in compensation for the calories burned by the additional exercise. over the last week i have rested and found where i need to be with a very light routine... thus i know where i need to be once i start a more vigorous exercise schedule again. idk about anyone else, but i think it comes down to over-thinking... i still to this day want complete freedom to change my mind... meaning i fret over eating enough food during the day to fuel a work out if i decide suddenly to skip it that day. i need to get over myself in many ways still... that's just one neurotic example, lol. i need to realize one day is just one day and the overall trend is what matters.

that being said... i have 5 weeks to prep myself for the 10k. i plan on taking the week right before the run very easy, so 4 weeks of gradually increased run lengths are in the works. the farthest i've run outside is 4.5 miles and 5 miles on the tready. i've been perusing 10k training plans online, and it seems like 3 runs a week, every other day, with the last being longest and stretching your comfort zone (either distance or pace). i'm not really concerned about pace, but i'd like to finish the first week with a test distance run. 6.5 miles or bust!

oh and i forgot to mention that aaaaaah! my best friend from college got engaged!! to another one of my best friends! it's picture perfect and i will be a bridesmaid. i am thrilled to the gills for them, but like most 20-somethings i suddenly feel quite behind! me being the single bridesmaid kinda freaked me out... well, i suppose i have about a year and half before the actual wedding to catch myself a guy, lol. i suppose i'm lucky that no one has had any babies yet! and you know what? i am super pumped to be a bridesmaid! a year and a half ago, it would have made me nervous and uncomfortable. i am so happy that i feel healthy, happy and comfortable enough in my own skin (a work in progress) to be genuinely excited to share the experience with my two great friends. i will even wear a sleeveless dress if that's what she wants! and that's saying something :)

i missed march!

i've become this really lame haphazard blogger. march went out like a lion... right?

i killed the gre, but felt completely inept during the actual test. my intellectual self-confidence is very similar to my self-confidence in general... shaky at best! lol. i'm still waiting on a few references to send in their letters, i will be reminding them this week in fact (one is particularly forgetful in that crazy old lady professor way). soon i will know if grad school is in my near, or distant, future :)

the last few weeks i've fallen into a funk. i think that's why i felt the urge to post... blogging really helps me reflect and well, i miss it! i'm still maintaining at slightly above 150. i recently found marksdailyapple.com and love his way of thinking. i perused his book, primal blueprint, at the bookstore and just got a copy from the library, but the blog has almost all the information that's in the book. i lost my weight when i switched to a low carb way of eating, and the primal blueprint plan (both nutrition and fitness) really matches what i'm doing, but infinitely better.

i signed up for a 10k (which is completely against the fitness ideas of the aforementioned primal blueprint, but i am excited to just complete it). most of my "running" these days is a slower pace jog. i realize i'm never going to be an endurance competitor, but i'm fond of a challenge!

in order to not jinx my blogging habits, i am not going to say that i will post more often... in hopes that i do :)

LIFE

life happens and you can't stop it! idk about all of you, but time has been passing far too quickly lately. i guess it's a part of being an adult and having a full-time job yadda yadda yadda...

nothing earth shattering has happened since i last posted. i was right about the wily mr. scale and i've been holding steady at slightly above 150, lol. i've had a few days in the last few weeks where i consumed waaaay to much food, and was then reminded how terrible that makes me feel both physically and mentally. i still struggle, but i'm amazed at how my life has changed in the last year. for instance, i went out of town last weekend and i am proud to say i exercised both days at the hotel's fitness center. it felt normal and exhilarating to exercise outside of my normal routine.

i am taking the gre next weekend already, aaah... it'll be fine, i got this in the bag yo or at least that's what i tell myself :) i do have 3 recommendations confirmed and working on their letters, so that's good! idk if this program will work out, but i'm excited to get started on whatever's next :)

my mind just imploded

scales are stupid. scales lie. scales are not friendly, they are cold inanimate objects. they state facts. they don't care how you feel about their facts. for the last few weeks i've been attempting to re-train my thought process. seeing the scale for what it is... a tool. it's not my friend... even if when it says something positive i feel like i just got a bear hug from it. it's not my enemy... even if i wanna throw it out the window when it tells me something i don't want to hear (but always resist because then how would i weigh myself?!! lol). i'm getting better at distancing myself... somewhat.

my new work out plan makes me feel incredible and i think that makes the scale thing less of an issue.

but then mr. scale gets wily. he realizes i'm abandoning my dependency on him... and he does something crazy...

for the last 2 days mr. scale told me that i weigh 149.4... and the day before that 149.6.

and as i previously mentioned, my mind imploded.

but you know what? maybe he'll say 151 tomorrow. i'll still be here, doing my thang. it's hard and i don't think we'll ever really break up... but mr. scale can take a seat on the back burner as far as i'm concerned.

workin' for the weekend

yay friday! less than an hour to go and i am ready for the weekend. i like the nuns, but ever since i started my p/t job every other weekend these precious few weekends off of work are more and more important to me. and more jam packed with fun! well, lately it's been fun staying in my pjs all day and being a non-working blob, lol. this weekend will be relaxing and fun, but of a different sort. i'm off to madison! i will be staying in the guest bedroom at a friends, so it's practically like being in a hotel and we will be celebrating my birthday (yes, from december, haha) madison style.

i have been very dedicated to my new work out schedule. the scale has remained steady, but i am feeling and seeing differences in myself already. it's been about 2 full weeks of this new weight training and cardio mix. and i think i like it! last night i looked at myself in the mirror and was literally taken aback. i was completely shocked, this is me now? what? i felt proud of myself, and it was nice to feel... i tend to (like lost of us) see the negatives that remain rather than the immense accomplishments i've already achieved. and gosh darn it, i hope this feeling of accomplishment lasts forever!

today will be my rest day due to the driving time, but i'll head over to the ymca in madison tomorrow.

have a great weekend folks!

feel the burn

last week i started using the weight machines at the y as planned. i think i did okay, i made sure to cover each major muscle group, i found the amount of weight that made my sets doable, but challenging... and i felt the burn. i happily report that my ankle is doing much better. i ran 2 miles with no pain on the alternate days, i think i'm back to pre-tweaking status.

i checked out the new rules of lifting for women from the library, and so far i'm enjoying the read. i will not follow their nutritional plan, but there is a wealth of information about weight training and how muscle is formed. they are adamant about the use of free weights, so i might muster the courage to head on over to the predominantly male section of the gym to try them.

i joined a choir last week! it's the community/student choir at a nearby university. i think it will be enjoyable and the first piece we read was randall thompson's last words of david. i performed that with the uw concert choir, so it was nice to have something familiar to get back in the groove of things.

i am also knee deep to gre studying materials... it's nerve-wracking. i want to study a bit before taking the gre and know my score before beginning the application process, but i also have to ask my references very very soon if I plan on applying this spring for the fall. aaaah! life decisions. i think i'm ready for a challenge.

darn my weak ankles

well folks, i tweaked my ankle about a week ago while running. i noticed it, but kept running because i was on a roll. it's not bad enough to warrant a doctor, but it definitely refuses to keep up with my running schedule as planned. last night was the first night i really attempted running, at a slower speed than my current normal, and lasted about a half mile before switching over to weights. i'm frustrated, but also don't want to cause further injury and make the healing take longer. boooo you weak ankle!

this hiccup is irritating, but hopefully positive as i am forced to mix up my work out schedule (and that's a good thing!). i've been reading a lot regarding weight training and it's benefits... i tend to randomly use the weight machines and don't really use them as i should (correct weights/reps to actually make progress). today i will be configuring my new weight training program, i hope to commit to a full body weights work out 4 times a week. (or maybe upper/lower body, not sure yet!) while also slowly testing my ankle with some aerobic and cardio. if i can heal and get ready, i'd love to do a 10k in may!

holy toledo, a new year!

hey folks! epic fail on my part of posting regular updates, but i realized that today is the 15th... and there's no better time to do a mini-update!

i'm chugging along. some really great days, some not so fabulous. i'm getting antsy and have started researching graduate school options. so i guess it's a good antsy. weighed in this morning... 151.0 :D and last week i ran 3.5 miles at 6.0 mph ( that's in 35 minutes yo). my goal is to keep that pace, and increase distance slowly. i actually tweaked my ankle last night, so i'm glad i'll be forced to rest this weekend at my p/t job. otherwise, i'd want to run and possibly injure myself further.

last night i used the slow cooker for the first time, and i'm in love. love that i have food for a couple days, love that i don't have to spend hours in the kitchen preparing the food, just love it!

that's the stats i guess! i hope everyone finds 2010 a wonderful year so far!