long-term commitment

weight loss is a long-term commitment. it's hard. i just finished my first year of grad school part-time, job #1 full-time and job #2 part-time. it's hard too.... but worth it :)

with about 3 weeks before my summer class begins, i figure there is no time like the present to recommit. recommit to my health and sanity. i need to feel strong again, and i'm going to take the time to make delicious low carb meals, sleep well and exercise to my hearts content (which may be rough at first, i'm waaay off the horse in comparison to last year at this time).

so cheers! cheers to everyone and spring and happiness.

spring fever... or something like it

antsy... i'm antsy. it was unseasonably warm here for a few days... it went from -10 to above 40 overnight, crazy hot for february in wisconsin. i think my body/mind is confused, but in a good "let's go for a run" kind of way. i have yet to get in a routine with my classes this semester (more on that later), and that is hindering the exercise schedule (aka complete lack of exercise).

i had a mental breakthrough today... about health and happiness. i'm losing that feeling, that immense, overpowering feeling of strength. that feeling i had after finish the quarter marathon or after an early morning run with tallulah panting beside me. i want it back and i'm going to get it :) i am also up a few pounds this month, and even though i'm still ok weight wise, the mind is quick to FREAK OUT.

the guy is wonderful. more than wonderful. sigh-inducing wonderful. it's difficult because my schedule is jam-packed and he is now a full-time student, but we see each other when we can and i think we're on the same page. (we have both met each others parents...talk about nerve-wracking!) the fact that there is a guy still takes me aback, the same way the reflection in the mirror occasionally catches me off guard. i'm no longer the old me, but she'll always be with me.

life, happiness and other loverly things

good gracious! it's been ages. thanks to chai's comment, i was reminded of how much i missed blogging and the lovely blog friends i truly cherish for supporting me throughout my weight loss and after :)

i am maintaining right around 150, and that is good :) i started grad school, met a boy, moved into my first solo apartment (well, besides the adorable tallulah) and turned 26 in the last 4 months of 2010... it's been eventful to say the least. i love my grad program, but working full-time, going to school part-time and working part-time is quite the feat! and has wreaked havoc on my exercise schedule... which is currently non-existent. however, i have a wonderful, fabulous friend who is hoping to lose some weight and may be my perfect gym buddy (that's us in the photobooth, we have too much fun). now... to just fit that into my ridiculous schedule.

the boy. he is pretty wonderful. we connected via the interwebs. i like him :) and he bought tallulah a christmas present... swoon, lol.

i just got my grades for the semester A and A-, i really wanted the 4.0, but i'll take it :)

now to catch up with you lovely peoples. i can't wait to hear about your successes!

happy 2011 folks! it's gonna be a good one.

i felt pretty

it was a fleeting feeling, but gosh darn it...i will take what i can get.

accepting how others view me positively instead of questioning their sanity is HUGE for me. "oh, i'm charming, funny, cute and pretty? if you say so!" i think everyone has a hard time accepting compliments... but after weight loss it's like those normal insecurities are magnified by your own disbelief. if you don't see your new self, you can't comprehend how others see you.

in the last two weeks i have gone out several times and felt like a normal girl, dolled up and having a good time out on the town. a girl people want to dance with, talk to and have fun with. looking back i think of it as strange (baby steps people), but in the midst of it...i felt comfortable. i felt confident and that is something to shake a stick at. i wish i could take that confidence and bottle it up.

on the exercise front, kettlebell is kicking ass! (including mine, lol) i currently have serious forearm bruises that indicate some very poor form, woops! i researched online and realized i need to "tame my arc" as in most things, form is key. i'm really digging the kettlebell. it's challenging and makes me feel strong. good stuff.

hahaha, i just ordered a swimsuit online...who does that? it's like ordering a bra online (for any men reading this, one should never assume a bra will fit based on the size it claims to be) but the suit is super duper adorable. RED. vintage style. not as esther williams as i hoped, but close enough. ordering online is risky business, but i tried the same style on in the store and just needed the next size down...here's hoping! i'm going out of town next weekend and really want to spend time in the hotel pool. a new swimsuit was necessary as my old one came down with a bad case of saggy bum syndrome.

walk like a cowgirl

hey party people. it's me. yeah, i'm still here. :)

let's see...what were the bullet points for june 2010...

-i was accepted into grad school! i spoke with my advisor last week and enrolled in class a few days ago...i am terribly excited. yesterday i contacted a local nonprofit to see if my volunteer services could be used (only for a few hours since i will be busy with work/school/work as well). i am going with the flow and seeing what works...if i need to drop something it will most likely be the part-time job, but for now i think it will be a great place to get some reading done. i am one of those that likes to study outside of my living space. i'm feeling pretty fantastic about that area of my life. it will be stressful, challenging, exciting and thoroughly enjoyable...i can't wait :)

-i purchased a kettlebell (actually 2, but one sucks and will be returned) and started using said kettlebell. it's fantastic. it's a russian weight that is used for strength training, but the work outs are fantastic cardio too. you are basically throwing around a weight with a handle. it works your whole body. i was sooo sore the first few days, i should have been wearing stirrups and chaps. my co-worker even asked me why i was groaning, lol. after just a week i feel stronger, but also challenged...i am extremely fond of a challenge.

-i am maintaining. some days i'm okay with that, other days it infuriates me! today i am in between those two, not happy but also not livid. i am working out and eating right...the amounts/timing of eating are still being worked on. most importantly i'm addressing the emotional issues surrounding those struggles. it's effing hard to understand yourself sometimes. losing the weight was quick, i mean not too quick...just standard healthy losses, but the mind is a fickle thing.

-i am enjoying the summer immensely. after losing the weight, my body temperature totally changed. i used to be hot all the time, but now i am comfortable in sunny warm/hot weather and i like it. winter in wisconsin is more of a struggle, but summer is brilliant! :) i work a lot, but i have been spending time with my siblings and my friends in madison. i now have a few friends in the area from choir, but with so little free time...new friends are just so much work! they are good people though and i think i'll be going to a poker fundraiser to see them next week. it will be easier to make plans during the school year when i see them every week. for now i'm feeling good and preparing for the immense amount of work grad school will add to my plate.

happy fourth of july! i'm working, but don't be sad for me...they are paying me double time and all of the parades/celebrations are tomorrow :)

mistaken identity

this post is going to be one giant juxtaposition...positive and negative thoughts are gonna intermingle, but i guess that's how everyone thinks so it shouldn't be too surprising.

mistaken identity. it happens to everyone. you go to a new place, meet new people and are mistaken for someone else. for me, for the majority of my life it was something i dreaded. i dreaded being called out for anything related to how i look. i'd prefer to go unnoticed and sit in the background like any self-unaware individual...by remaining unnoticed i could avoid recognizing how i looked and ignore any feelings i had about my appearance.

these occasional instances of being confused with someone else were a call out. a forced recognition of how someone else saw me...and it was always a depressing experience. i would be forced to see how other people saw me. forced to look at my "likeness". as an obese person, i would be confused with other obese women, brunettes of similar height. it was like a shot to the gut, but to preserve my fragile self confidence i would immediately think to myself "this person is a loon, i look nothing like her!" but of course i did, i mean it's not like we looked related, but to a new acquaintance hair color, height and weight are key identifiers. i've done it myself, not always with overweight people of course, but for instance confusing one short blonde for another.

two weeks ago i experienced the mistaken identity again...but this time was different. this time, like most other times i had the same reaction "you're crazy, i look nothing like her!". in that sense it was similar, but in this case it was because the other person is drop. dead. gorgeous. seriously pretty...and i'm more of a prettiest girl on the street, depending on the street...fotc reference, lol. in fact, i still don't really see myself as pretty, but that's a whole nother story. anyways, it was strange and made me think back on those other times...and all the changes i've made in my life since then. i stand firm that i look nothing like this gorgeous girl in my sailing class, but it sure was nice to have some crazy old lady think i look slightly like her, enough to confuse us for a minute.

i'm not really sure where i meant to go with this post, but i think self awareness, no matter where you are in your life/journey/struggles/successes, is absolutely necessary. one step, one day, one experience at a time...every single one helps me find a little more of who i am and who i aspire to be.

my first quarter marathon

it was exciting, exhilarating, nausea inducing, hot, fun, tiring, sweaty, happy, sunny, exhausting, thrilling and an all around great experience!

sunday may 30, 2010 i completed the madison quarter marathon. saturday morning i went to the madison running expo to pick up my racing packet... the expo center was conveniently located right next to the world's largest brat fest (i attend every year, obviously). a friend's band was playing that afternoon, so i got my timing chip/shirt/bib number then took a short walk to enjoy a few brats and some fabulous music. walking into the running expo, i felt like a total outsider. i'm still the non-runner runner. i'm not sure when i'll feel like a runner, but time will tell i guess :)

saturday night i went out with friends to celebrate a birthday, but left early to make sure i got enough zs for the run. i was so nervous in general, i barely got 5 hours of sleep. adjustments will be made next time. i felt fine the whole run, but i know my body would have appreciated more sleep. i, of course, forgot my running shirt in the dryer at home, so i went out and purchased a brand new one from good ol' target saturday night.

i arrived at the race starting line very early, but it was cool to see the full marathoners start. i view them as crazy people...so i guess that means i'm a quarter crazy? lol. they have mega-dedication (considering the weather that day, holy lord they do... details later). it was weird to have so many people in running gear EVERYWHERE. the starting and finish lines were on the capital square, pretty awesome i must say...our capital building is the bees knees.

i had no idea what time it was, but i was in the right spot. unfortunately, i failed to find the porta potty zone pre-race...i was one of the few, the proud, the mid-race porta potty users. as soon as we started, before i even crossed the starting line plane, i knew i would be stopping for a pit stop at some point. i made it to the 2 mile marker and made a bee line for the nearest porta potty (that's 2 bee references so far, yeah you read them). i felt much better after that minus the humid hot hot hot scorchingly sunny day.

i felt pretty good the whole run, but the last .5 mile or so was up an incline and definitely caused a little "oh dear i might puke" moments. the weather definitely had to do with that, the temperature was 80 degrees by the time i crossed the finish line (it got to 90 before the marathoners were done). between miles 4 and 5 there were no water stops, that was pretty rough too and there seemed to be less shade available. the whole run was about 10-15 degrees above what i normally run in, hotness to the max.

my timing chip reports a finish time of 1:12:38 and i am thrilled. i'm thinking the porta potty stop didn't really change my time too much, i'm guessing i would have slowed down for a bit without that pause in the run. that total is just over 11 minute mile pace, and my only goal was to do 12 or less... mission accomplished!

i got my quarter marathon finisher metal, a couple cheese sticks and a water. i was the very essence of a hot, sweaty mess and darn proud of it. :)